The first Saturday every month, Ned, Jack, Tom and I jump on a Zoom call. They are roughly 60 minutes, generally run a few minutes longer. No agenda, we tend to wander around 3-5 topics. We started congratulating Jack on his new grandchild. We moved on to congratulate Tom on appearing on the Chris Voss podcast. It was a fascinating, deft tug of war.
Tom was invited to talking about the Stoics and Stoicism. Somehow, Chris kept tugging stoicism into the manosphere, associating being Stoic with toughness, confidence, chest beating. Gently, Tom wouldn’t acknowledge that, but would find a thread in what Chris was saying to navigate the discussion back to a deep understanding of stoicism, which couldn’t be further away from the manosphere.
This led us to talking about how so many in this manosphere while presenting themselves as secure and confident, their very behavior seems the opposite of that, constantly demanding validation. These behaviors become performative theater.
Because Jack, Ned, and I are deep into the sales/selling world, we laughed for a moment about the manosphere manifestation we are seeing in the “salesosphere.” The experts and gurus who constantly seek affirmation through talking about how great they are. “I made 7 figures, I’ve done the most complex deals, just do what I do and you can be successful too.” We chuckled about what we perceive to be the constant demand to look at them and be validated. We each shared stories of very successful people we know who have that quiet confidence, they know who they are and they don’t need to be constantly seeking self affirmation.
We drifted on, Jack asked a question about my mother. She’s 95 and has been having some health problems. Jack’s mother is 102.5 and has had her own struggles. I think Ned posed the question, “What characteristic do you most admire about your mothers?” I paused for a moment, then responded “I think it’s her courage.” Jack shared some similar ideas.
As I reflect on her background and some terrifying things she has gone through, huge challenges she faced, and how she always seemed to take those challenges in stride and move forward, despite what happened. In reflecting on the past three months, she has been in the hospital for over a month (in the ICU for about 2 weeks). In a managed care facility for about 2 months. The staff at both of the facilities were both pissed off at her, but loved her deeply. Several times a day, she would get out to do her laps. She’d drag the IV stand behind her and do laps of the hallways. Of she would sit in the cafeteria talking to people, learning about them.
She lives in Carson City. Everyone downtown knows her. She’s up to two miles a day, walking around the city talking to people. (her goal is 5) This week the doctors say she can go back to 3 days a week of aquasize. I was visiting her yesterday and this morning, but she had to kick me out, I was interfering with her social calendar. Everyone in town knows her and talks to her. She has special seats in all the restaurants, and 50% of the time some unknown person, anonymously pays her bill. She’s embarrassed and leave funds so the owner can apply that to someone else’s bill. Today, I was politely invited to go home. She needed to get ready for a party, followed by a luncheon, followed by a concert.
The party was interesting. A waiter in one of her favorite restaurants just graduated from high school. They became friends about a year ago, she had become something of a mentor. They talked about futures, college/trade school. The owner of the restaurant is sponsoring a graduation party for he and his friends. He sent her an invitation. I think she will be the only one over 20. But she is a key person for the party and his friends are looking forward to talking to her.
As Jack and I talked about our mothers, I started thinking, “Is their greatest characteristic courage or confidence?” Part of what I see in my mother is she is so sure of who she is that she no longer feels the need to prove it. She doesn’t seek affirmation. And her deep confidence enables her to engage everyone she’s with focusing on them.
As we talked, I reflected on the irony of the behaviors we see in the “manosphere” and “salesosphere,” and this 95 year old, 88 pound, 61 inch tall woman.
As I reflect on these things, I’m wondering about courage, confidence, and the power of knowing who we are.
Too often, we mistake noise for strength. Dominance and confidence become performative, driven to attract attention, whether follower, likes, comments, or “You go Bro!”
Tom said something interesting, “The truly courageous often go unnoticed. Their strength doesn’t need to roar. It doesn’t need to posture. It doesn’t need to.”
What is courage? What is confidence?
ChatGPT helped me with some ideas. While they aren’t great it’s a starting point for reflection.
- Courage is the willingness to act in the face of fear. It shows up when something matters more than our comfort and safety. It’s vulnerability in motion, a decision to step into uncertainty despite risk. (While Mom would never describe herself this way, it is how she lives.)
- Confidence, by contrast, is the belief in one’s ability to act effectively. It is less about facing danger, more about feeling grounded, capable and self assured. Where courage is tested in the fire of fear, confidence is built slowly through experience, reflection, and feedback.
While they are separate, they are intertwined and we need both.
Courage emerges from purpose, resilience, and identity. Confidence is developed through competence, belonging, integrity.
As I started looking at these, reflecting on my mom and others who I see demonstrating similar characteristics. I started thinking, these two things are almost there, but something’s missing. I started to reflect on compassion. Then I realized that compassion is the bridge between courage and confidence. Using my mother as an example, reflecting on some of the most inspirational people I’ve met, some of the most successful business people I’ve met, I’m recognizing this unspoken commonality. Courage and confidence interconnected through compassion.
And it’s in these behaviors that I see true magic and greatness occur.
It’s the people that have moved from, “Look at me,” to “I see you!” Think back on the greatest leaders or those most influential on your development. It is those that are curious and what to learn about and see us.
These people are relatively quiet. They listen more than they speak. They aren’t defensive about their position/role/ideas. But actively want to understand. They ask questions, they probe, they share ideas and explore new things. They are open about themselves, where they have failed, what they have learned, where they may have uncertainty, and how the try to deal with it. And the context in which these are presented is focused on furthering the shared learning, building trust, building shared confidence.
They “prove” themselves through the depth and quality of the relationship and not by who they are and what they have done.
How do we start to become these types of people?
I think it’s not avoiding the discomfort. While some might say seek the discomfort, as I look at those I most deeply admire, I think there is the recognition there will always be discomfort. But they know these experiences stretch and grow them. They see it as a way to learn and change. And underlying, it is building leveraging courage to build confidence.
I think it’s the ability to build competence. To begin to master something, then to push yourself further.
As I look at these “heroes,” everything they do is anchored in a value and belief system. Absent anything else, they know what they stand for.
In thinking about my mother, I am constantly struck that she does not seek an audience. In a very real sense, she lives her life as though no one is watching. The irony, is everyone sees.
Learning to listen to and truly hear others. Being able to listen, without feeling the need to reply or to defend a position or point of view. Rather enabling others to be heard.
And it’s the compassion that pulls all of this together. Compassion to others, compassion for ourselves.
In the end, it’s really the quiet power of knowing who we are.
Afterword: This is the AI discussion of this article. This discussion is stunning! Partly because this article is deeply personal, but the way the drill into the ideas, capturing the essence of what I was trying to say. Be sure to take the time to listen.
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