On Connections, Connecting, And Reconnecting ……

Yes, we’ve all come to despise connection requests. Our inboxes are filled with them, “I’m impressed by your profile….. We share common interests….. We’re in the same group….. We can get you leads….. I’d like to tell you about our products and how you can use them…. I worked for Estee Lauder and you’re cute (OK, we know about those)”

Then there are those who wield their connections as weapons, alluding to “Mine is bigger than yours.” Some how the more connections they have, the more connected they think they are. Recently, I read a post recommending a number of experts, and one of the criteria was, number of connections/followers. I was almost ashamed to be on the list because I, apparently, met the connection/follower criteria. Some of those who I respect the most, people who have sold millions of thought provoking books, who are always center stage at SKOs, etc, didn’t make the cut, because they didn’t have the number of connections.

While those I’m “connected to,” seem to be a good number as measured by those who care about these things, I actually have had an exchange of some level of quality with fewer than 10%. And some of those are just some messages back and forth. Far fewer are those who I have actually spoken to or met.

This Holiday Season, I was feeling somewhat disconnected. I have many family/friends, many professional colleagues, and we are always talking/engaging on various topics. But despite that and a full calendar, I was feeling a little disconnected.

I suppose part of it was considering my normal, Holiday/New Year greetings. As recently as 10 years ago, I would send out cards. Usually, 400-600 a year. I’d start immediately after Thanksgiving, set a quota of around 50 per evening. Most of the cards were just my signature, some had a sentence or two as a note. But somehow, the act of sending a physical card was impactful. Both for me and the recipient. For me, even though it would take about a minute to sign the card and stuff it in a prelabled envelope, I would think and reflect on my experiences with that individual. And the recipients would do the same. They would think, if only for a moment, of their experiences with me. And there was some sort of “connection” in the process.

At some point, I converted to email and mail merge. I’d curate a list (actually the tools did that based on criteria I’d set.) I’d find a nice picture, perhaps a “yule log” picture, and I’d construct a short note. Since it was a mass mailing, inevitably, it was about me. Often, I included a link to a charity I sponsored. And the ending for each was, “Wishing you and your family the best……” And I’d send thousands.

I would raise thousands for the charity. I’d also get some responses, “Dave, so good to hear from you….” and we’d have a few real human to human exchanges and actually connect or reconnect in a personal way.

And those have become less fulfilling. This year, the easiest and most efficient thing to do would be to do the same thing. Perhaps, letting ChatGPT help me liven up the notes. But I still wouldn’t be connecting with people. And that left me feeling a little empty.

So I tried something different. I created a list. Then I wrote a personal email to each person. Sure, part of me feels it is tacky to do emails, but I did it anyway. The experience I had, and the fulfillment was fascinating.

So far, I’ve sent over 1000 personalized emails. Most were very short, just a message that I was thinking of them and wishing they and their families the best. But for each one, I reflected, if only for a moment, on my experience with them. And it was hugely satisfying, I felt some bit of connection, remembering our last meeting or conversation.

The more I wrote, I started including a sentence or two about that last meeting or conversation. Writing it and expressing my appreciation was so fulfilling.

Then, I started getting the responses. Some from people I hadn’t engaged in over 10 years. Somehow, the note inspired a brief response—thanks so much, Dave, those were good times. Over 40% of those responses went further, “Dave, let’s talk….” Perhaps, I’d struck something in them that helped them feel more “connected.”

This week, I’m continuing to write these notes. I’ve shifted my message to, “All the best for 2024!” But I’m getting the same fulfillment and satisfaction by remembering, if only for a moment, the past experiences we shared. And I’ve made myself a promise to do at least 10 of these, for no reason other than to share a memory, every week in 2024. I will reach at least 520 people and reconnect with them.

It seems we have lost our ability to “connect.” Reading the news, we see an epidemic of loneliness, depression, isolation. Increasingly, though people may try to relieve this through social media channels, they find this unsatisfying.

Some reading this will think, “Dave, that’s so inefficient.” You could have gotten all of this done in less than 30 minutes, instead of the 20 hours it’s taken so far. Been there, done that, it doesn’t work. And is connection really about efficiency, or is it about getting to know someone, even a little, and getting them to know you?

Some, in reading this, may say, “Well Dave, this is all about you and how you feel….” Absolutely! And it is filling a hole that I have felt increasing over the years–particularly as more of our interactions are virtual. It makes me feel much better and it gives me great satisfaction in reaching out to others that have impacted me in some way. But, so many (based on response rate), must feel the same way, and there is something fulfilling in these very short, several sentence responses.

Maybe 2024 can become a year of “reconnecting.” And for all our new connections, perhaps we can actually get to know them a little better. I suspect, we will all be better for it.