Combative Conversations…..

Just got off a call with one of the best salespeople I’ve ever worked with. We were prepping for a very difficult customer meeting this afternoon.

As we discussed the situation, he described the difficulties this customer had created in the past, he talked about how unreasonable they had been, how they weren’t meeting commitments they had made to him. We also discussed the changing expectations his company had in the relationship with this customer.

Without a doubt it was likely to be a very difficult conversation. But as we spoke further he said, “They are going to be very aggressive in this discussion, I have to push back and present our position…..” He went on, “They always push back on what we say, I have to be very forceful in my positioning with them….”

He was getting wound up, I interrupted him. “So it sounds like you are getting ready to have a fight with the customer. Is that what you want, or do you want to address the issues both of you have and figure out how to move forward?”

He isn’t alone. So often, when I’m talking to sellers about tough situations, they often sound combative in their tones an in the way they describe the situations:

• “The customer just doesn’t get it…”
• “They aren’t paying attention…”
• “They are moving way to slowly…”
• “They have unrealistic expectations…”
• “They are trying to take advantage of us…”
• “They just don’t get it….”
• “We have to stand firm on these issues…”
• “We can’t let them take advantage of us…”
• or the ultimate, “They are really stupid…..”

The list of goes on. It reminds me of the pregame locker room talks we use to have about “Crushing our opponents.” We’d talk about what we would do to the other team to dominate and win the game.

But selling is different from athletic competitions.  We only win when our customers succeed.

Expressing our concerns or approaches in these terms create an “us versus them” mindset, which limits our ability to accomplish something together. These mindsets set us up for a fight. They set one side, the other, or both sides to be right or wrong.

It’s difficult to move forward when we or the customer are have mindsets that result in combative conversations.

What would happen if we shift our perspective from an us versus them orientation to a “what can we accomplish together, how can we productively move forward?”

Stated differently, what would happen if rather than having combative conversations, we had collaborative conversations?

When I suggested this to the sales person, he said, “But I can’t be soft, I have to be tough in these meetings. I can’t fold to everything they want….”

Collaborative conversations are often filled with disagreements and differing points of view. We don’t have to be “soft” in these conversations, rather we focus on understanding each point of view and how we might resolve our differences in moving forward. In these tough, but collaborative conversations we have to listen, probe, understand what’s driving a certain position or point of view. Likewise, we have to help others involved in the conversation understand our own positions, why we have them, what they mean. As we do this, we start laying the ground work for how do we move forward, how do we come to agreement.

Collaborative conversations aren’t just “happy” or soft discussions. Collaborative conversations are often very tough conversations, but based on shared respect, trust, learning and a commitment to find ways to move forward, or to agree it may not make sense to move forward in this situation.

The mistake we too often make is thinking that tough conversations have to be combative conversations. Combative conversations are no win discussions.

Afterword: For a white paper on conducting collaborative conversations, just email me.