My father had an expression: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Usually, it surfaced I was at my most obnoxious. When he called me on it, I’d fire back, “Well, you do the same thing!”
He’d patiently try to show me the error of my ways, how I might change. But I was a difficult kid. I’d keep arguing, taunting him with the unfairness of it. (The truth is, his lapses were rare—almost always a moment when he was frustrated or worn thin. I just had a talent for cataloging them.)
He only said “Do as I say, not as I do” a handful of times. He knew it was wrong. But sometimes I was a very frustrating kid.
Too often, that same mantra is the coaching culture I see across our organizations.
Managers sit in review after review with their people. Deal reviews, prospecting, pipeline, forecast, account, performance, you name it. And most of that time, they’re in “tell mode.” They may be telling people the right things. They may soften it enough that it feels like coaching.
But what counts is the behavior they display. If they’re telling their people to be more curious, are they curious in that very conversation? If they’re preaching discipline and accountability, do they live it every day?
What do they do when they think no one is watching? Are they modeling the behaviors they expect of us?
What do they do when the going gets rough? Are they modeling the behaviors they insist are critical?
The highest impact we have as leaders is seldom about what we say. It’s what we do. Every day. Whether or not anyone is watching. In good times and in tough ones.
Think back to growing up. We came to admire certain people. They became our role models, some good, some bad. We watched what they did, how they got things done, how they carried themselves, what they said. We would start imitating them. We’d pick up one of their behaviors and started doing them ourselves. We started imitating them. We learned and grew through that experience.
We do the exact same thing in our working lives. We find people we admire, often in leadership roles. We watch how they operate, how they handle pressure, what they say. And over time, we start modeling ourselves after the people we respect.
We look at our managers, thinking, “To get that role, I have to do the same things they do!”
So as leaders, we have to pay attention to the behaviors we model. They carry more weight than anything we say. In sales, if we treat our people as our customers, if we demonstrate the behaviors that engage them and drive them to change, grow, and develop; they’ll turn around and do the same with their customers.
And the reverse is just as strong. If our behavior shows how little we care about our people, they’ll model that indifference right back onto their customers.
My father stopped saying “Do as I say.” He didn’t need it. The way he lived, every day, was the argument. It inspired me.
You can keep insisting people do what you say. It hasn’t been working.
Or you can become the person whose behavior makes them want to do as you do.
Afterword: Another outstanding AI based discussion of my post. I love the challenge they provide at the close. Enjoy!
