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Connecting Versus Relating — The Disappearance Of Real Relationships

David Brock — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 16:28:00 +0000

There is a great post in the Slow Leadership blog on “Connecting Versus Relating.” It speaks to the breakdown of relationships, transforming them into transactions conducted through impersonal channels like email, messaging, Twitter, Blackberry’s and cellphones. I would also add many of the social networking media.

While these “tools” have made all of us much more accessible and available–the emotional connection is lost. Relationships—at least meaningful relationships are built on trust and emotional connections. The new ways we “connect,” while convenient, strips away that connection. It seems to me, the more we substitute these convenient ways to stay visible and “connected,” the more the true nature of the relationship erodes. Ultimately, we lose the connection, probably without knowing it and we continue the transactions.

These tools also create a shield that enables us to do things that are unthinkable in a real relationship–we can start shading the truth–which gives way to outright lying. We can avoid addressing tough issues head on, or we can do it in terribly insensitive ways. Not having to look someone in the eye, talk to them voice to voice, to understand the reaction limits us terribly.

Research indicates that 70% of communication is non verbal—most of us interpret this as “body language,” and other subtle clues we pick up in face to face communications. It would stand to reason the more we come to rely on maintaining relationships through non-direct ways, the more we lose in communications — and the more we lose in relationships and our ability to trust.

Our worlds, whether business or personal, are increasingly complex. We are all time poor. The new social tools and means of “connecting” add some convenience and speed to communication, these tools are only a complement to building and maintaining meaningful relationships.

We all fall victim to this. It is so easy to send a quick email or SMS. I recently reconnected with a colleague, responding to her invitation over Facebook with an message “glad to reconnect.” I got no response and started wondering why aren’t we really connecting —- and the answer is so simple —- I should pick up the phone.

I am having some “challenges” with a client—who also happens to be a good friend. We seem to be waging electronic war, or at least I seem to be, to resolve a difficult business issue. The other day, he yelled “uncle” electronically —- I got an email — “Dave, a phone call would work…. “

We are actually both guilty. We both let the safety of hiding behind email help us avoid a difficult conversation — but one that will quickly resolve the situation. Doing that has damaged our relationship — but hopefully not irreparably. I need to give Bill a call!

Stop Networking And Start Building Relationships

David Brock — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 01:35:00 +0000

I’ve written a number of times about Social Networks and Networking. Today, I read a nice blog entry at thd Dumb Little Man-Tips For Life Blog: Stop Networking and Start Building Relationships.

Echoing my thoughts, they write: “Creating working relationships should be the goal of networking, not meeting as many people as possible.” They comment on MySpace, Facebook, and LinkedIn, saying: “We need to shift our goals from numbers and volume to quality and relationships. After all, the point of networking is to connect yourself with others who can help you, as well as you help them. Relationships, communication and trust are fundamental to this.”

The article goes on to offer tips on creating value and trust based relationships. It is worthwhile reading. I commend the authors on a good article.

One Way Networking–Is This What Networking Is About?

David Brock — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:20:00 +0000

I just read in interesting article in the Wall Street Journal: How To Network Without Sabotaging Your Own Job Hunt. It discusses a number of issues very appropriate to effective networking.

There are many people in my close networks who see value in staying connected. We talk or email each other, we exchange ideas, we continue to look for things of interest to each other. These are effective relationships that I value and invest in.

There are those other people “in my network.” These are people who I may have tried to build a relationship with, who for various reasons have been unresponsive to the communication. However, out of the blue, I get communications from them, and always, it is a plea for help: “I’ve lost my job, can you help me?” “I need funding for a new company, will you invest in the company?” The list goes on.

I am confused by the expectation of people who spurn communications and contact until they need something. In addition to their request for help, they seldom ask about me. When they ask, it is always nominal, because their concern is about themselves. I find it difficult to invest in those people.

Finally, there are those who are going after quantity, seeing the number of connections or friends they have in LinkedIn, Facebook, MySpace or others as a competition. “He who has the most listed wins.”

On a daily basis, I get people asking me to join their network. Many come from people I have never met and do not know how they reached me. Some come from people who I have encountered. For each, I always respond: “I would be delighted to join your network and have you join my network. Can we arrange to speak soon so that we can get to know each other and how we might help each other out?” On over 90% of those, I get no response, yet I get reminders to join their network or other pleas to join.

Here, I have a criticism to the suppliers of these tools. I think their tools need to be more focused and purposeful in developing networks. People should think and value those they invite. Instead, they offer to send invitations to everyone in your Outlook Address Book. My Outlook Address Book captures many addresses of people I do not know, but are on the same distribution I am on. This automated processing of networks reinforces the mentality of quantity over quality.

The Wall Street Journal Article offers a few nice sound bites:

Networking is supposed to be mutually beneficial.

Giving back is important.

Bothering contacts excessively also can weaken networking efforts.

Read the article. Think about it. I encourage everyone to build networks that create value and quality for everyone involved.

Social Networking, Form Triumphs Over Substance

David Brock — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 18:11:00 +0000

I’ve been curious about the phenomenon of adding friends, passing on introductions, etc. The two networks I actively participate in are LinkedIn and Facebook.

Recently, though LinkedIn, I have received invitations from several old, long lost colleagues. I have anxiously responded, accepting their invitations. With every response, I send an email, expressing my delight at re-connecting and suggesting a personal dialog–email, voice to voice or otherwise. In most cases, I am disappointed. These contacts don’t respond, I’m added to their list, but never hear from them. What’s the purpose? I guess they are shooting for quantity over quality.

My physical world networks are very precious to me. I have started to pare my virtual world networks to mirror-in principle-my physical world networks. I want meaningful relationships with people who I trust, whose views I value and who, I hope, value mine. I don’t want to be a part of a list to see who has the most.

I’m confused also by those people who “accept any invitation” in their virtual networks. I know they don’t in their physical networks, why the change. Maybe it is only for self promotion, rather than valuing the relationship.

When form triumphs over substance, the network loses value. I think the value of networking is to establish relationships, to invest in those relationships. Without this, what’s the point?

Any thoughts, reactions?

Social Networking, Quantity or Quality

David Brock — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 17:25:00 +0000

I’ve been tracking, participating and experimenting in a number of social networking and other community building tools.

What are your views about building your “social” or “business” networks, Quantity versus Quality?

As an early invitee to LinkedIn (http://www.linkedin.com/), I think I fell into the same trap that I saw many people doing: Going for quantity in networks versus quality. In other blogs and posts, there is lots of discussion about this, with arguments for both. I actually tend to fall on the side of a quality network rather than quantity. In LinkedIn, I have been offended by people I do not know, trying to link themselves or their friends though me. If I don’t know them, why do I feel confident in introducing them to my friends and leveraging my network?

My current network, at LinkedIn, about 30 percent of the people, I actually don’t know. Many of them have been unresponsive to my queries—I write saying “we’re linked to each other, why don’t we try to get to know each other?” Why are we networked, what’s the point other than bragging rights?

My real world or physical world network is very important to me, it’s one I treasure and protect. Why should I, or anyone for that matter, do otherwise for our virtual or digital networks?

I’m starting to pare the list of contacts to represent a smaller but more functional network and a better replication of what I use my physical world networks for.

I have recently started using Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/), partly at Jeff Pulver’s recommendation. It is an interesting application, I like the real world and dynamic feel to it. At the same time, having learned from my experience at LinkedIn, I am being much more careful and slow in expanding my friends and network on Facebook.

I’m also excited about the application and community building aspect of Facebook. I’m looking to learn a lot from it.

Join me if you want. If you are part of LinkedIn, my email is dabrock@excellenc.com. Send me an invitation. At Facebook, search for me and send me an invitation. I do want to “meet you” and learn about you and how we can help each other, so when you send an invitation, know that is expected.